Brett Morphis

The CruiseSniper Brett Morphis

I get punished for traveling and knowing a few things. In 2017, Mimi and Paps asked me to organize a family reunion cruise. One last hurrah, a celebration of sorts. Since I'm the cruise guy, I was the chosen one. "Somewhere in the Caribbean, we don't care", they say. "What the hell does that even mean? Have you seen a map lately?", my response. My wife is in, "you'll figure it out." It figures, she's wanted nothing to do with them for years and I can't say as I blame her, if we're being honest. I cringe at the possibilities. I've heard the stories. I thought I knew the family, their dysfunctions, their vices, if you will. I didn't. As for the others, not one of the family members knew what to expect, they hadn't seen each other in years, if ever. Seven nights, cramped on a cruise ship to the Caribbean. The gambling, the booze, bikinis and bananas. Add in twins, some snow and squirrel killers, the list, never-ending. The cruise lines, endless possibilities. Small ship, large ship? High end or Walmart style? Hamburgers or horse? I'm basically working with nothing and am responsible for all of it. So, I hit the web in search of the perfect itinerary that suits our family of fuck ups. As for the fam, what was expected each of them? Could they be themselves for seven whole nights? What could possibly go wrong? And, why the plum? The CruiseSniper is patient, picks his shots as needed. Did he bring enough ammo? The doctor, who is he? Dysfunction at its finest. From artwork and rocking the boat, to a late-night single-malt. Sit back and relax, the doctor has you covered. The CruiseSniper brings life to this family and their travels. The good, the bad and the ugly. All out in the open. There's a wide array of takers for the freebie to the Caribbean. For instance, Jordan shows up with three beautiful women. Three! And gorgeous, my god. Only obstacle, he's married with children. Mimi and Paps, drooling as usual, voices hoarse from yelling "BINGO" one too many times. Quite honestly, I wouldn't go on a cruise with them if I didn't have to but, free is free. Tommy, the hillbillies from Podunk and two others from Nebraska. You'll read about all of us and 'The CruiseSniper' (more on that later). I toss them in a blender and turn that sumbitch on high. My stories are all true. Whether it's fiction or not, in some shape or form, trust me, I was there and have bumps and bruises to prove it! Have a good laugh at my expense and enjoy, what I like to call The CruiseSniper.